Always Anxious

Pounding and beating

As always, I haven’t been keeping up with this blog. I do however want to. It makes me feel better when I’m active on here. Especially when I’m experiencing anxiety. Speaking of anxiety, I’ve been doing well and keeping it together. Currently I’m experiencing some heart pounding sensations, but I’m assuming it’s from too much caffeine. I had pop, an ice cappuccino and more pop today… (I also drank beer which may also be the blame.) I was laying in bed, and started to feel jumpy. Then, my heart started pounding. I’m going to have to limit my caffeine intake. It’s not good for me anyways.

Besides from what I’m dealing with at the moment, things have been well. My mental health is so much better, and that’s most likely why I’m not very active on here. I seem to reach out more when I’m not feeling well.

My sleeping pattern is horrible, I really have to change that. I’m always exhausted, yet awake at night. (It’s 4am, and I’m wide awake.) As long as I can remember I’ve been this way. Even when I was a little girl. I may start meditation, sounds silly but it might help. :)

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Anxiety, kindly go away.

I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been feeling mentally fantastic for the past eight months. Unfortunately, the past three days I’ve been experiencing waves of anxiousness. Last night was so overwhelming, I broke down crying. I was heartbroken that these feelings were creeping back up again. All I kept thinking was “It’s coming back. I’m going back to where I was. I’m just going to have to rely on more medication.” You never really realize how great you’re feeling until something hits you. Especially something such as mental illness.

Currently as I’m typing this, I’m experiencing the waves again. I begin to have a small amount of anxiousness in the middle of my chest. From there, the feelings intensify and spreads. As the rush of fear takes over my body, I feel paralyzed and nauseous. Thankfully, after 20 minutes it slowly drifts away. (I hope it continus to drift away. Far, far away!!) I’m then left cold and shivering.

I’m going to try my best to fight this. I’m not sure how much I can fight. But, I’m determined. Im so thankful to have my mom and fiance around. They are great suporters.

I’m going to take this opportunity to cuddle with my son, calm myself and may even catch a couple Z’s.

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The first step (Weight loss Journey!)

I’m feeling very depressed about my appearance. I have no one else to blame but myself, and I’m the only one who can change it! My mental health is getting stronger, so it’s time to change my physical appearance! When I eat right, exercise often and get proper sleep I feel much better. It’s time to stop wasting my life away, and start living. I don’t mind being a plus size lady, but I want to be a healthy plus size lady. I’m uncomfortable in the body I was given and I want that to change!

The past of couple days I’ve been feeling “off”. I’m hoping it’s due to poor nutrition, and not taking proper care of myself. I do not want it to be anxiety creeping back up again. The constant fear I went through was horrific. I experienced just a small amount of that same fear today, and it was enough to make me want to crawl in a corner. I want to be healthy, both physically and mentally!

My current weight is 325 pounds. It makes me feel sick just typing those numbers. It’s hard to believe I allowed myself to get this big… But, I’m going to change!

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